I've recently learned - no matter how much you wish better for someone... you can't induce positive change in another person's life. For success, there must be a genuine reception, invitation, or acceptance of assistance. Any attempt to provide unwelcome assistance, beyond an offer or a suggestion, will be futile and only make things worse.
Whether the receiver is unable or unwilling to accept help or energy - there are forces keeping the would-be recipient in an unfortunate position. Perhaps the person is precisely where he/she/ze would like.
If you have offered assistance or made suggestions and neither is welcome (or it becomes unwanted should it have already been helpful at one point), then your time is better spent on yourself. If this sounds like you, I encourage you to give your energy to yourself - deconstruct your desire to unabashedly give. A person cannot be assisted if the help is unwelcome. Don't feel guilty or bad if your assistance is rejected.
The inevitable result of attempting to force the situation is a destruction of trust and discomfort for everyone... and the unfortunate likelihood is that everyone involved will be misrepresented and there will be a long, inevitable, painful goodbye.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Friday, December 05, 2008
Resignations, Acceptance of the improbable, or Secretly hoping.
Such a small world we live on, really.
Our lives criss-cross; perhaps we indulge in a tango; perhaps we find a life-altering friend or purpose... Regardless, our "circles of influence" ebb & flow with Goodbyes & Possibilities.
With each "Goodbye," we might hold our breath with anticipation. We might find an ebb where we would like some flow. Perhaps we will be pleasantly surprised to find Possibility when we do not expect it.
I think it is this ebb & flow that keep us moving silently forward, living independent lives. We hope - and are either encouraged or discouraged - all the while, holding and cherishing our "Own"... Pressing onwards, slowly acknowledging the ebb & flow will build us up or pick away - at will.
Somewhere along the way, we might find comfort in knowing or resigning, that this is the clockwork of life - although I don't. At some point we might realize we have to accept the world as it is, and that the ebb & flow may not always bring us what we would need or want - although I don't.
I prefer to see and enjoy the ebb & flow in our daily lives in realtime - as it comes & goes... I might enjoy and dance with the waters as they come & go... and I quietly hope there is a larger purpose in which I am performing. And all the while, I do cherish my own, but I also secretly hope "Mine" is really Ours.
Our lives criss-cross; perhaps we indulge in a tango; perhaps we find a life-altering friend or purpose... Regardless, our "circles of influence" ebb & flow with Goodbyes & Possibilities.
With each "Goodbye," we might hold our breath with anticipation. We might find an ebb where we would like some flow. Perhaps we will be pleasantly surprised to find Possibility when we do not expect it.
I think it is this ebb & flow that keep us moving silently forward, living independent lives. We hope - and are either encouraged or discouraged - all the while, holding and cherishing our "Own"... Pressing onwards, slowly acknowledging the ebb & flow will build us up or pick away - at will.
Somewhere along the way, we might find comfort in knowing or resigning, that this is the clockwork of life - although I don't. At some point we might realize we have to accept the world as it is, and that the ebb & flow may not always bring us what we would need or want - although I don't.
I prefer to see and enjoy the ebb & flow in our daily lives in realtime - as it comes & goes... I might enjoy and dance with the waters as they come & go... and I quietly hope there is a larger purpose in which I am performing. And all the while, I do cherish my own, but I also secretly hope "Mine" is really Ours.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Broken promises among friends.
Friendships require mutual communication, trust, and forgiveness. Communication is the primary key to relationships. Unlocking this opportunity with shared time and space permits trust to grow.
However, life will always bring unforeseen changes and needs to each person. Without communication, life thus brings distance between friends - expectations and promises can dissolve or distort and become difficult to maintain. In our nomadic, emotionally-repressed society, such situations are inevitable.
When apparent expectations or promises are broken, trust is broken and cannot be mended by one. In fact, trust may never mend. Rebuilding trust requires mutual forgiveness - for lack of communication, for lack of understanding, and for lack of effort.
For those who can rebuild, a new level of trust inevitably brings a stronger bond. Those who cannot rebuild must let go. Only time and patience will distinguish between those who can and cannot rebuild.
~12/03/2008
ADDENDUM:
I've been thinking a lot about this lately and have to acknowledge that how we communicate is very important - and that not everybody does this the same way. While communication is generally necessary for mutual friendships and relationships, forcing a mode of communication can be controlling and destructive -- even if you mean well. When two people don't communicate in the same manner on any particular topic - watch out... forcing your own style can be inflammatory. Sparks can fly and meltdown may be imminent. You may destroy what you are trying to salvage. If both people are intentionally or unintentionally forcing their own communication style - one of the two will eventually need to enter the conversation without any expectations - or both could lose everything.
In anticipation of future meltdowns, it may be useful for any lasting friendship/relationship to delineate how you communicate and the boundaries/expectations around the communication. This may help personal meltdowns to be more productive and allow those around you to respect your communication style(s).
However, life will always bring unforeseen changes and needs to each person. Without communication, life thus brings distance between friends - expectations and promises can dissolve or distort and become difficult to maintain. In our nomadic, emotionally-repressed society, such situations are inevitable.
When apparent expectations or promises are broken, trust is broken and cannot be mended by one. In fact, trust may never mend. Rebuilding trust requires mutual forgiveness - for lack of communication, for lack of understanding, and for lack of effort.
For those who can rebuild, a new level of trust inevitably brings a stronger bond. Those who cannot rebuild must let go. Only time and patience will distinguish between those who can and cannot rebuild.
~12/03/2008
ADDENDUM:
I've been thinking a lot about this lately and have to acknowledge that how we communicate is very important - and that not everybody does this the same way. While communication is generally necessary for mutual friendships and relationships, forcing a mode of communication can be controlling and destructive -- even if you mean well. When two people don't communicate in the same manner on any particular topic - watch out... forcing your own style can be inflammatory. Sparks can fly and meltdown may be imminent. You may destroy what you are trying to salvage. If both people are intentionally or unintentionally forcing their own communication style - one of the two will eventually need to enter the conversation without any expectations - or both could lose everything.
In anticipation of future meltdowns, it may be useful for any lasting friendship/relationship to delineate how you communicate and the boundaries/expectations around the communication. This may help personal meltdowns to be more productive and allow those around you to respect your communication style(s).
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